It's been a while...

...but football season is but a proverbial eyelash away. Tim Tebow touchdown dives and leper healings are already being broadcast by ESPN in anticipation of what's to come, and our friends at Dumber (Actual) Hogville are pumping out so many inane post that even Lanny himself has to be blushing at such falderol and tomfoolery.

Like many, we at Smarter Hogville have taken a little time off to relax, recharge the batteries, and pummel the ol' penis as we envision a Bobby Petrino-led uprising in 2009. But nothing motivates us to zip up and get back to the keyboard quite like fresh statistical analysis from the great MuskogeeHogFan, who has always been the straw that stirs the drink, or if you prefer, the bag that contains the douche.

His latest offering:

http://www.hogville.net/yabbse/index.php?topic=300761.0

I just ran the numbers on the first 6 Div I games and if this is any indication(yeah, I know, all speculation at this point) of what we can expect, it is going to be one heck of an exciting season.

I used numbers for running and passing offense, avg scoring on both sides of the ball, 3rd down conversions as well as 4th down and red zone numbers also for both sides of the ball. Included were fumbles and INT's on both sides as well as total T/O Margin and then home field advantage and avg. FG's per game.

Here is how it comes out:

Georgia: 31-28 Georgia
Alabama: 28-24 Hogs(it all about how we match up)
Texas A&M: 34-24 Hogs(they are better than we thought they would be but we still win)
Auburn: 28-21 Hogs(Auburn musters just enough offense to be competitive)
Florida: 28-24 Gators
Ole Miss: 28-27 Rebels(I know this ain't gonna be popular)

That has us at 4-3(including Missouri State) going into the E. Michigan game and a good shot at winning 3 to 4 in a row in the last half. LSU may be a toss up by the time we get to that game.

The thing that excites me the most is how close I expect many of these games to be. A 3 to 4 point game could swing either way on something totally unpredictable that occurs during the game. Point is, I see us "in" every game we play and always having a chance at the end, whether we wind up winning or losing, and that really restores some confidence and sets us up nicely for 2010 and the "revenge tour" of the Razorbacks.

Immediately what stands out is the fact that MHF has "run the numbers." What numbers, you ask? Who fucking cares! THE numbers, folks. THE numbers. And they have been RUN. That's all you peons need to know, but as for myself, I like to envision MHF wearing sweatpants and a weathered Oscar Malone jersey in the kitchenette/living room/porch of his single-wide, pulling those multicolored magnetic numbers off the refrigerator, chucking them into the Hamilton Beach mixer he bought at a yard sale in Oolagah, and setting that bastard on "frappe" to see what happens.

But enough comedic embellishment--he then explains what numbers he did "run," and fortunately they have a lot of credibility! Turnover margin, field goal success rate, third down conversions...why, you can obviously extrapolate watertight results from all these figures, especially for the 2009 Arkansas Razorbacks, which last year employed a quarterback who actually looked like he might be involved in a point-shaving scandal at times and a kicker who shanked more medium-range opportunities than he ultimately deserved. Better things are expected in 2009, thankfully. Especially when you "run" the "numbers" that "MuskogeeHogFan" pulled freely from his "gaping asshole."

When you look at the scores, you notice a really shocking trend--Arkansas is going to score 28 points or give up 28 points in pretty much every game. Obviously, this will not happen in the aTm game, because it's simply ludicrous to think that we'll take our foot off the throttle against those jackoffs. We're going to put up two Tejada field goals in addition to our usual allotment of four touchdowns, and that's going to pretty much communicate just how dominant we are in that game. Also, the parenthetical commentary by MHF carries great sway here--we will beat Alabama because it's "all about how we match up" and Ole Miss will win by a single point in a game that will go down in Razorback lore as "unpopular." I suspect that in 2006, prior to his genesis on Hogville, MHF had some wickedly good notations by certain games: "USC better than expected," "Paul Eells' Ghost bails us out in Nashville," "Fish fumble! ARRGHH!!"

The LSU game will possibly be a "toss up" by the time we get to that game. I take this to mean that once we have navigated the treacherous waters of September and October, we'll go down to Baton Rouge after Thanksgiving and have a chance to either win this game against the Tigers or possibly lose it. Either way. Toss up.

At the conclusion of this dissertation--and we need to extend our courtesies to MHF for not engaging in his customary 38-paragraph handjobbery this time--he posits that this campaign will be exciting, and that we'll be "in" every ballgame. Now, the key here is to remember that we'll lose some of these games, and Hog fans do not like their teams to lose football games against other schools. But the Hog football team will also win some of these close games and that will leave the same Hog fans with very happy feelings about the on-field proceedings, at least until the next loss, at which point Hog fans will experience a diametrically different emotional state, typically anger or sadness at not scoring more points than the other team and in fact, scoring less.

But here's the rub, lest ye forget: this is the "REVENGE TOUR" of the Razorbacks. That's right, you doubting dickheads. It's time for vengeance. We are reclaiming our spot among the SEC's middle class. We're going to make everyone forget about 2008 and we're going to get back the glory of an 8-5 season in 2007 that culminated with a 31-point Cotton Bowl loss. Or the manic highs of a 10-4, Capitol One Bowl runner-up 2006 season. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and per MHF, we will be serving it up 28 glorious points at a time.

*EDITOR'S NOTE: I "ran" the numbers myself and concluded that the 2008 Razorbacks were pretty awful, and that the 2009 Razorbacks will be better. So, you know, feast on that.