Bacon Bits, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Blather

Many moons ago in this space, we alerted you all to the presence of Hogville's resident faux-journalist, a lad by the screen name of "whatsshakinbacon" who publishes original batches of red-hot feces on Hogville under a self-designed (read: self-important) masthead and always wraps things up with the signature (read: self-indulgent) "Bacon out." As you might surmise from our tone, we think his manner of posting borders on pretentious (read: he's an assclown). But like his contemporaries, HoopHog and Co., he gives us tremendous fodder for Smarter Hogville, and it only adds to the amusement that he is perpetually in love with his own prose.

Yea, verily, he has risen from the futon in his 400 square-foot studio apartment again, and now offered the first of assuredly many columns this fall. And he is still clearly, and desperately, angling for an internship with Vogue or US Weekly. We won't wear you down with the entirety of his preseason outlook, mostly because we want you to finish reading our criticism below, so we will selectively call attention to certain highlights that may yet earn him the distinction as Hogville's most consistently annoying poste--you know what, let's not get ahead of ourselves. His exceptional observations are, in keeping with Smarter Hogville custom, highlighted in Razorback Crimson:

What a refreshing spring and summer. Once the distaste of an average football season and disappointing basketball campaign were washed away it gave us all plenty of time to turn our eyes to the future, and the hope that it brings.

Every installment of “Bacon Bits” has this sort of florid, pussified opening. “Refreshing.” “Washed away.” “Eyes to the future.” “Hope.” Just stop being such a queer, Bacon Tits. It’s unbecoming, even for Hogville. Just jump straight into the pinpoint analysis, man.

And with football squarely on the horizon it has been deafeningly quiet, especially when compared to the previous three seasons.

After limping in with an introduction so flaccid that it makes Summer of My German Soldier look like the script for “Death Wish,” Bacon Nips proceeds with his standard deployment of big words being totally misused. “Deafeningly quiet”? Pitiful. Here’s a better sentence full of big words: A fool’s endeavor to wax erudite hath meandered embarrassingly awry. For the benefit of the vacuous, that means that ol’ Bacon Shits used words all wrong and stuff, and came off lookin’ like a dumbfuck. And along those lines…

The offensive line is one year older, and matriculated in a far more diverse blocking scheme…

In the words of Kierkegaard (or maybe it was Jimmie Walker), “Man, you needs to shut the fuck up.” "Matriculated." Jesus, stop trying to sound like the poet laureate of Morrilton and just say that the OL is a-gonna be bettah. Hogville readers do NOT cotton to your uppity bullshit.

Last year coach Petrino was thinking about offensive plans two or three plays ahead of what was going on right then.

Ah, the shrewd insight of Hogville’s finest. It is without question the South’s most prominent collection of backwoods dipshit clairvoyants. MuskogeeHogFan can run numbers and produce predictions that are dead-on accurate (or not) and Whatsshakinbacon taps into the minds of our coaches like that cat from the "Scanners" movies. And then you’ve got Lord & Tyrant Supreme, Lanny, whose monosyllabic, three-word post* convey more meaning and power than the most sacred of all scripture. When I think of these three together, I imagine that kickass trio in “Superman II” that arrived on Earth in some sort of spinning bathroom mirror and immediately started levitating shit with their eyes and turning snakes into petrified wood.

But speaking of Muskogee, the oft-maligned and misunderstood prognosticator, Whatshappeninnow deftly concludes his post with an homage to Oklahoma’s most terminally bored statistician.

We won’t win the national championship in this campaign, but we will see marked improvement. We may not win the SEC West, but we will compete and win some games that are pivotal upsets in the chase. Who knows, if the right teams lose at the right places we might just be in the running.

Gonna win some games. Probably not all but some. Maybe more than last year. Hopefully. Should be. Upsets might happen, even. They will be “pivotal.” Also, if some teams lose games here and there, and we win some games, then we might just be “in the running” for something.

That’s closing with a flourish, whether you sign off with that stupid fucking “Bacon out” or not. Oh, and that reminds me...

Bacon out.....