Return of the Mack

You may recall that we've liberally taken shots at Hogville's self-proclaimed "authors" in this space. While the great majority of the thousands of posters there are incapable of stringing together more than a few misspelled words and guttural noises, the remainder are so long-winded that their post actually increase load times on the site by a measurable amount. MuskogeeHogFan (and we promise, some of his "insight" is going to be lampooned here soon) is one of the new breed, but this trend was started by the immortal Biggus Piggus, who used to offer reams of wisdom about spring practices that he didn't even attend.

Maybe the most prolific rambler on the damnable site is Whatsshakinbacon, who does everything a self-important douche should do when littering cyberspace with his crap. Namely, he (1) pins an obnoxious graphic right at the top, (2) writes for what seems like hours on end about a topic that could be summarized in three sentences, and (3) finishes with a gross flourish and that familiar, cringe-worthy sign-off, "Bacon out."

Here's his official preseason publication, which is actually relatively short given some of the plodding, exhaustive bilge he's put out before:

http://www.hogville.net/yabbse/index.php?topic=234691.0

Mind you, this is an artisan, and even in an opus of modest length, he can still cause your eyes to roll back in your head, what with selections like these:

"Somewhere out there, you can hear it. It’s the distant rumble of thunder, the inaudible vibration of a train miles away, and it’s not getting softer."

This clown is writing about football, at least purportedly. And yet it sounds like he is writing a folk song, right off the bat. You know it's gonna be good with a lead-in like this.

"Football season is back upon us, and it almost seems surreal as we swelter in one hundred degree heat to think about fully padded behemoths pushing around on each other on moist ovens of green."

Jesus. This could be the worst sentence ever written, and the final clause represents the most horrifyingly gay imagery ever affixed to football. "Fully padded behemoths pushing around on each other"? "Moist ovens of green"??? This guy aims for the elocution of Bart Giamatti's memoirs and comes back sounding like...well, an idiot on a Razorback fan site.

"So as we wipe our slate clean regarding records and stats, let us also wipe away the moniker of hugger or hater. They should leave the vernacular forever. We can stand together yet again and follow the Razorbacks without talk of coaching change. Instead, let us allow grace to replace vitriol and begin this era of healing and hope."

And what would this whole missive be without a not-so-subtle tribute to Barack Obama? Maybe he thinks the Democratic presidential nominee will consider hiring him a speechwriter if he beats the drum of optimism in such a treacly manner.

"The 2008 football season is upon us. I will enjoy watching it with you all."

A good writer is supposed to know his audience. When your audience is Hogville, you should leave your observations as brief and uncomplicated as possible, lest you cause synaptic misfires. So this would've been a really good sentiment...as an entire article. Instead, it's nothing more than the capper on an effing essay.

Hey, trust us on this one--Lanny knows that brevity works. All of his post are between six and eight words long, because that's literally all he can handle. And we applaud him for being cognizant of that limitation.

Smarter out...