Biggus speaks, and HoopHog exposes himself

Hey, HoopHog: Do you like apples?

(We're guessing not, but you never know.)

We wouldn't have thought it would take 45 posts to get around to talking about Biggus Piggus, but here we are. (We touched briefly on Biggus's prowess a couple of posts ago, but no analysis yet.) Truth be known, there's not much to find fault with in the post we're talking about today, but this thread is just such Hogville gold we couldn't pass it up.

http://www.hogville.net/yabbse/index.php?topic=150258.0

Numbah one, I don't blame Houston Nutt
Posted by Biggus Piggus
for the problems of Marcus Harrison. It does boggle my mind that someone who essentially is a professional athlete (anyone who intends to go pro is) would believe that it's OK to smoke dope and take Ecstacy and whatever else the police said he was into.

In an era of year-round training, why force your body to overcome all that crap? Especially if you're coming off a significant injury.

Was he self-medicating, or just really stupid? Very possible that the team would be
better off without his influence. Harrison got cocky as a sophomore, quit working hard (and in light of recent events who knows what he was doing), and drag-assed his entire junior season when he was supposed to be showing off for scouts.

Now in his do-or-die senior season, Harrison gets arrested on a drug charge. No, it wasn't a mistake. He wasn't playing dice and rolled snake eyes. He didn't slip on the ice. He did this by choice. It's illegal and ridiculously stupid. Either way, he may have won himself a lifetime of failure and a reputation as another guy who could have had it all but decided to be a loser.

You might have to dig a little bit to see Biggus's pathology, but it's there. He goes to more extremes than Billy Freakin' Joel. And what Kansas resident says "Numbah" instead of "Number"?

Before we begin, let's recap what Marcus Harrison is accused of: During a traffic stop, he allegedly had a blunt and a half (total marijuana content: 2 grams) and one Ecstasy pill. He wasn't wearing his seat belt, and he had a warrant for failure to appear. That's enough to make Nancy Reagan nervous but not enough to draw Lindsey Lohan's interest. Hell, the 6-foot-4, 301-pound Harrison could take one X pill and not get thirsty.

We here at Smarter Hogville aren't in favor of drug use. To be honest, we think that drug use will make you more like Hogville than Smarter Hogville. But in the grand scheme of things, Harrison's transgression merits maybe a night in the pokey and a stern talking-to. Maybe a suspension, maybe not.

But to hear Biggus tell it, Marcus Harrison--"essentially a professional athlete"--decided to chuck the SEC and play in Keith Richards's league.

Look at the language: "Self-medicating, or just really stupid?" "Who knows what he was doing?" "Do-or-die senior season" "Illegal and ridiculously stupid" "Lifetime of failure" "Decided to be a loser."

Biggus and his sycophantic sidekick FreshLegs™ want Harrison off the team. Nutt's supposed logic, that "it would punish the team more to kick him off," is derided, later in that thread, as a "lame excuse." "If we cut out the cancer, we'd lose a leg, or something like that," Biggus sneers. It "makes me puke."

If we were like Biggus Piggus, our analysis of his ignominious career on Hogville would go something like this: Biggus Piggus is the worst poster in the history of sports message boards. He's right up there with Serdar Argic, Laurence Canter, and Martha Siegel in terms of his misuse of bandwidth to promote his wacked-out theories. It's clear to us that Biggus is some 300-pound 17-year-old kid posting from his mom's basement in between surfing for pictures of Britney's snatch to jerk off to, source material for his Modern European History term paper, and good places to buy reeds for his clarinet since Mr. Davis said he might be good enough to work his way up to first chair this year now that Laura Overmeyer graduated and Francine Thomas moved to Kansas City.

And then somebody would post "Great post, Smarter Hogville" in comments.

There is more in that thread from others, too. FreshLegs, in awe of the greatness that is Biggus Piggus, returns every serve and volley like an old pro.

Conway Cool Daddy, auditioning to become a Bama fan, asks: "What would Bear Bryant do?" (Although CCD ends up at a more reasonable position and thinks, as we do, that this was just a mistake on Harrison's part.)

LSUFan decides to engage CCD in a battle of dictionaries, then forgets which word he was trying to define:

VERB: mis·took (m-stk) KEY , mis·tak·en
(m-stkn) KEY , mis·tak·ing , mis·takes VERB: tr. To understand wrongly; misinterpret: mistook my politeness for friendliness. To recognize or identify incorrectly: He mistook her for her sister.

So, he misinterpreted dope as being a good thing?

But the best of all is our pal HoopHog, who never uses a 5-cent word when a 50-cent one will do:

The funniest part of your observations (Biggus) is the merer use of the word "depth" when referring to the Arkansas defense. Granted, you had to use that word to convey the proper thought, but so many Hog fans are fooling themselves right now. The "Arkansas Razorback Defense" is to "depth" like an acid bath is to a soothing skin cleansing. This is just one of the many oxymorons that abound for the Arkansas Razorbacks.

"Depth" is an oxymoron? A word or phrase that is self-contradictory? We take your point, HoopHog--you don't think the Hogs have much depth on defense--but that's not oxymoronic; it's just moronic. Ha, ha: Smarter Hogville laughs. (Translation for Biggus: kek, kek.)

"Smarter Hogville" is to "oxymoron" as "HoopHog/FreshLegs/Biggus Piggus" is to "moron."

So, HoopHog, how do you like them apples?